How I feel sometimes
Merry Day After… Whom can you Trust
I got new running shoes for Christmas, not my usual Aesics though. I sent my husband to the running store with my old pair and said “tell them these!” but the problem with “these” is that, for a girl, I have really large feet. My normal size is 11 wide. (stop laughing) My running shoes tend to run 11 ½ to 12 because my toenails are so thrashed from running that I need extra room….but that’s a whole different story. Back to the running shoes; they’re pretty, and pink too. They make me, with the ginormous feet, feel “feminine” ha.
So I tried out my new running shoes this morning on the treadmill and I think, I mean, I really do, that I performed better. Ran faster! After two days of stuffing my face with more carbs and sugar than a normal person ingests in a month I needed a good sweat-soaked workout. But it wasn’t just that, it’s that it felt good to run, faster, than I have in a while, even if I was like a hamster on a wheel.
My life has been like that lately. I’m running from stuff… also known as “hamster-wheeling. ” Getting nowhere and wearing myself out in the process. All of these mountains that are before me, I should be running toward God and I’m not. I can really sense Him shaking His head, saying, “When will you ever learn that nothing is too big for Me, if you only hand it over.”
What I’m dealing with…it’s pretty rough I think. My husband has another love interest and it comes out of a bottle. I know this love interest, I bested it (if that’s possible…no, let’s just say I started managing it) myself about 20 years ago, so I definitely “get” it. He and I met in recovery when I first got sober, and in the 15 years we’ve been married, he’s relapsed more times than I can count.
Anyone can tell you that meeting a spouse in “recovery” is not the ideal situation. “Boy meets Girl on AA Campus…yadda, yadda” pretty much toxic and a no-no, there are reasons for that. Hello? Two screwed up people trying to unite? We had no idea how even to live normally, let alone know what real love is.
If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have done it that way. I would have asked God to provide an ideal spouse for me, once I got my own head on straight. But, being human, I leapt too fast, tried to drive instead of letting God do it, took a whole lot of wrong terms and now I’m trying to get out of the Wilderness. Hamster-wheeling…
I’ve prayed…I’ve prayed a LOT. And prayed even more so… “God, help him stop drinking;” “God, make the alcohol be like poison to his lips:” “God, my husband and I are one flesh, I claim victory over the flesh and ask for healing…” “God this mountain is too much for me to bear…”
I am so desperate for an end, a relief, that sometimes I forget that through all of this turmoil, The Lord is doing great works in me. He is giving me backbone where there once was not, He is giving me courage even though it’s my nature to be timid and fearful, He is making me stronger even though I so desperately want to be weak. This mess will one day be my MESSAGE. I know this, why am I so slow to get this from my head to my heart?
So the Lord says, “Do you trust Me?” Yes Lord, I do. Give me the Faith and Strength to prove it. And Lord, let me fear not for the path that comes before me.
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